10 Terrible Love Lessons I Learned from Bioware

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write a post about Bioware (the number one life ruiner in the universe – that’s a compliment, btw). One of the best things about Bioware games IMHO is the character development and more importantly, relationship development as you “romance” characters in the games. So, thanks, Bioware, for being the best Valentine a girl could ask for!

Rule #10. Give people gifts to make them love you.

alistair

Oh, hey Alistair, did you like that Onyx Demon Statue I got for you?  Can we bang yet?  No?  How about if I give you this Stone Dragon Statuette?  How about now?  Well, what if I also give you this White Runestone?

Rule #9. If you’re nice to someone, you’re obligated to love them forever and ever, exclusively.

kaidan_and_liara_jealousy_by_purelighthealer-d46o8dv

So you’re exploring the Normandy, trying to get to know your crew members … you’re trying to be nice to everyone, choosing all the paragon dialogue options. ¬†All of a sudden, Kaidan starts to hit on you! ¬†So you awkwardly shrug it off, still choosing the paragon dialogue option because hey, no need to hurt anyone’s feelings. ¬†Before you realize what’s happening, you’re locked into a romance that you can’t get out of with Kaidan (who has incidentally misread all your niceness as “I want to marry you”), even when that cute blue alien comes aboard and you decide you want to pursue (read: bang) her!

Rule #8. You can turn someone gay or straight.

kaidan

You know that straight friend you have that you think is super hot? ¬†But you know, they’re super straight? ¬†Well, if you spend enough time with them, you’ll turn them super gay. ¬†And then you guys can bang. ¬†The end.

Rule #7. Agree with everything your love interest says, or else they won’t love you anymore.

fenris

Yes, I totally agree with your irrational hatred toward mages.  I fully support your urges to kill every single one of them Рman, woman, and child.  Feel free to rip their hearts out through their chest and stomp on their still beating organs.  Please love me.

Rule #6. Cross-species sex is A-OK.

garrus

What are you, Garrus? ¬†A dinosaur? ¬†Some sort of sexy velociraptor slash bird lizard hybrid? ¬†I don’t even know. ¬†But somehow after playing Mass Effect, my sexual orientation changed to “alien.” ¬†Thanks, Bioware.

Rule #5. Sleeping with co-workers is a great idea.

mass-effect-normandy-crew

So, in real life, I try to abide by the “don’t shit where you eat” policy … but hell, when your fictional crewmates are this hot, military discipline and fraternization policy be damned!

Rule #4. Virginity is adorable.

NPC-Alistair

Look at this little adorkable shit. ¬†Don’t you think he’s the cutest thing ever? ¬†And the fact that you’re going to take his virginity is so romantic right? ¬†But in real life, the idea of hooking up with a virgin is about as appealing as a rug burn (Sorry, dudes, I’m a woman in my late 20’s! ¬†Can’t be messing with amateurs!).

Rule #3. Mass murder is a forgivable character flaw.

anders

Really, Anders? ¬†Blowing up the chantry? ¬†Mass murder of innocent human beings? ¬†But you’re cute, so I’ll keep you around to bang. ¬†Totally ok.

Rule #2. Avoidance is a perfectly healthy coping mechanism.

zevran

Remember that time you started romancing Alistair?  Then you thought Zevran was super hot, so you started romancing him, too?  Then you met Leliana and thought, yeah, I could switch teams for this chick?  So you started romancing all three of them?  Then you talked to one of them a little too much and they forced you into a super awkward confrontation where you had to choose between them?  And then you reloaded the game at the last savepoint and avoided talking  to any of those little shits so you could continue romancing all of them at once like the greedy love bastard that you are?  Yeah, that happened.

Rule #1. Everyone wants you. Everyone.

shepard

If there’s anything you learn about love in Bioware games, it’s that you can be the most hideous looking Shepard/Hawke and everyone will still fall in love with you and act like you’re the most beautiful creature that ever graced the galaxy. ¬†Actually, on second thought, maybe this lesson in love isn’t so terrible :)

So, how has Bioware ruined relationships for you for life?  Let me know in comments!

21 Comments

  1. hungrynerd February 14, 2014
    • girlplaysgame February 14, 2014
      • Aria February 14, 2014
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  3. ArnieOrigin February 15, 2014
    • girlplaysgame February 15, 2014
      • ArnieOrigin February 16, 2014
      • girlplaysgame February 18, 2014
      • titus990 April 26, 2014
  4. Olga February 15, 2014
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  6. ArnieOrigin February 19, 2014
  7. lionlobster February 28, 2014
  8. Sinek March 4, 2014
    • girlplaysgame March 4, 2014
  9. Michael April 23, 2014
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      • Michael April 27, 2014
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  10. angry bi teen takes over the world June 9, 2015
  11. rawr July 15, 2015

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