21 Reasons Why Your Life Will Never Be as Awesome as a Video Game

Do you ever just walk around imagining the world around you as a video game?  I do.  Sometimes I walk down the streets of NYC wondering what would happen if I just jacked a car like in GTA, or if aliens descended a la Mass Effect, or if both happened at once as per Saints Row IV.  That’s just the way a brilliant mind like mine works.

But then reality hits and I realize that my life will never be as awesome as a video game because IRL:

21.  Eating snacks out of the trash does not heal bullet wounds …

1

But it might give you a wicked bad case of the poops.

20.  You can’t carry nearly as much real stuff as you can video game stuff …

2

I mean, seriously, who has that many pockets?!

19.  Fart noises and chicken dancing aren’t enough to make someone fall in love with you …

3

Unless you’re this guy.

18.  You can’t use magic …

4

Unless it’s this kind of magic, in which case, all hope is lost carry on.

17.  Forging your own weapons and armor is actually really fucking hard …

5

Never tried cosplay before but props to you crafty mofos.

16.  No one is as sexy as they think they are …

6

Man or woman.

15.  Stealing shit is never that easy …

7

Plus, consequences.  Lots of consequences.

14.  The zombie apocalypse isn’t coming …

8

… and this is the closest we’ll get to seeing real zombies.

13.  War is actually hell …

9

95% computerized hell raining death from above.

12.  You can’t catch these adorable little shits …

10

And making real life pets battle to the death isn’t nearly as palatable.

11.  Hoarding is not a socially acceptable hobby …

11

It’s just a sad disease that affects poor people.

10.  Blood doesn’t just disappear after a fight …

12

It leaves an obvious trail of evidence that will lead right back to you.  Oh, and it really ruins your clothes.

9.  Reading books does not automatically add to your skills …

13

In fact, sometimes books straight up kill your brain cells.

8.  You can never have sex with an alien …

14

Unless it’s that involuntary anal probing Area 51 kind of alien, maybe.

7.  No one is going to wait for their turn to punch you during a fight …

15

Even if it’s a really organized fight.

6.  You definitely wouldn’t survive this jump …

16

Nope.

5.  There is no such thing as fast travel …

17

Only slow, painful, death-by-travel.

4.  Assholes aren’t immediately identifiable by their physical features …

18

Or are they?

3.  Modding in real life is a lot less predictable than modding in video games.

19

Modding pro tip – less is more.

2.  You can’t restart from the last checkpoint …

20

Hell, you can’t even restart from the beginning.  You just have to suck it up and deal with a lifetime of poor decision making.

1.  While there is an easy mode and a hard mode in real life …

21

You don’t get to choose which one you play.

Got any more reasons why video games > real life?  Let me know in comments!

 Featured image by Lee Vidal.

One Response

  1. Benson April 21, 2014

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